To be honest, I am so scared of getting pregnant for now.


Seeing two of my closest buddy, Sarah and Intan got pregnant so quickly after they got married, and now Intan is raising a beautiful baby girl, battling with late night cries, lack of sleep and the very energy-draining breastfeeding and Sarah too (like whatttt. But she seems to be happy) kinds of creep me out.


Yes I'm scared.


I used not to be afraid of the future. Means, I believe in you will always be ready when the time comes. But.. I don't know.


Being pregnant,


1. Can I handle the mood swing? I can barely hold myself and my emotion together even now. Pregnant, bodyaches here and there, hormones. Can I do it? I really want to be like one of those lucky women who get to experience The Happy-Pregnancy. Please hormones do me the favor, please promise me one thing. Don't make me a cry baby during my pregnancy nanti okay. Please la happy hormone je banyak banyak even dalam situasi yang mencabar minda. And I pray so much that Ehsan would be extra patience, extremely patience when the time comes. Kalau dia buat muka garang dia, aihh nangis tak berhenti agaknya.


2. Body transformation. More than 10 mommies warned me that my body will change forever after you deliver a child. And I saw few who undergoes depression and difficulties in accepting that. I used to wonder, yes ofcourse you will be thick, but u can slim down back if you exercise well and such, no? But after I've seen 'the changes' on my own sister post delivery.. I finally understands that, it just not how big or thin you can be.The texture of your skin, the complexion, the scars. You can still look the same to others. But when you're at home, on your own..thats when you have to gather the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you're still beautiful. Can i do that?


Mommies out there, what a big sacrifice to be willing to let your beautiful, smooth, and toned body change to raise a baby. Patut la darjat ibu tu tinggi. 💕💕💕


3. The cravings, the pains. Delivery pain! Omg.


4. Kau mengandung kau kena beranak. Dah beranak kau kena besar kan dia. This is the scariest part!! Can I be the right and good example for my child? Can we both be good parents? What if we raise them wrongly?,What if my children repeats the same mistakes like I did? How to teach my children to love our Deen and follow the right path, while we as parents are still struggling with even the bare minimum?


5. Financially, the bills. The expesenses..having kids nowadays are so expensive. Hantar pengasuh pun dah 450 minimum monthly. Pampers susu carseat breastpump bottles utensils stroller. Once dah masuk sekolah...lagi macam macam. Semoga Allah murahkan rezeki kami


6. And raising children, bukan cukup dengan bagi makan pakai boleh hidup ja. We need to support them physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually.


These are my worries. But in my heart I also believes whatever Allah put you to, you'll get through it. So I'm far ready to be one, but will never be 100 ready. Just for now, preparing whatever I can for my babies best interest, starting from be a better person myself. Aside from the financial thing ah. I'm focusing on self care and development, struggling to pray 5 times a day (really pushh my self to this). Its like, if you can't even do that, how can u do bigger things right? And lagi malu dekat Tuhan sebenarnya, nak macam macam tapi Dia suruh solat pun susah lagi nak buat. Cryy 😭


Okay lah. I just pray for the best. Allah bagi pada masa yang tepat. Not worried so much as I always believe in that. Also Im praying so hard that me and Ehsan can be the best parents to our children in the future because that is what any child deserve.

Is being happy is all it?

If you want to be happy, expect less than other people. You do things to make yourself happy, don't ever expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Not your family, not your friends, not even your partner is responsible to make you happy. Your happiness is your responsibility alone. Only a happy person can make other people happy. So if you're not happy, how can other people be happy to be around you? If other people is not happy and comfortable to be around you, how can you be happy and feel loved?

It's a circle. That's why it is so important to surround yourself with positive people. People who let out good vibes even at times when they feel low. People who acknowledge whatever emotion that they're feeling and other's as well. But it is more important for YOU to train your mind to be positive. Yes, our mind needs training. And yes, be that positive person who give out the good vibes.

I've came a long way of the journey to keep my peace through my turbulent life. Some days I manage to keep my calm, some days I lose it. Thus, it is important as well to acknowledge that your goal in this life is not to be happy, alone. I mean, yeah who doesn't want the ultimate happiness kan? But we won't get it here, in this dunya. Will never get the absolute happiness because helloo. Ini dunia bukan syurga.

I always remind myself the ultimate purpose of us being in this earth to please Allah, by doing what He asks us to do, and be away from what he restraints. Whatever that had happened, happening and going to happen in the future, they are just pieces of events (tests) that we're collecting the results of our deed and actions to be judge at our final destination later on.

So if being happy is not our goal in this earth, what is it then? For me.. I've come to the point where I've decided that to make amend with the mindset 'I'm on the right track if I feel happy. And if I'm not happy, I'm screwed'. I just want to be content, tenang, to accept everything that happening is just a phase that will pass, to find happiness in little things, and being okay with a not okay situation. I am somewhere along the journey. As I said, hari I was doing amazing, ada hari not so good. And I'm okay with that! So proud of myself.

Okay this is long enough. Should continue 'feeling jadi housewife' mood. Lipat baju, kemas bilik and soo excited for my husband to come homee soon. Going back to Penang tomorrow for CNY holiday break 💕💕