Bila kau perlu,

Toleh.

Aku ada.

I'm smiling. And laughing.

Out loud. 

Like i never did before.

Of course i used to laugh louder, smile wider.

Then somehow i stopped. 

For quite sometime.

Hoping to get the smile and laugh back, someday.

But then i realize, 

What if that someday is today?

The day that i decided to be free from any false hope, and redah whatever came across me now with joy. And believe in my heart, that is the best for me.

The day that i decided to appreciate what i have now, instead of wanting something i didn't even know if i really own it before or ever will.

The day i stop chasing, but walk slowly and enjoy the moment instead.

The day that i decided not to be selfish. To give, without expecting the gain. 

• Thank you, kawan. Kau buat aku sedar 'dari jauh' tu lagi bermakna dan tak mengewakan :] 

#machohabis 

Every time I look at other people and envy for what they have, I'll be reminded of what I used to have and how it brought me astray, and how Allah put me on the track back. 

And for I see things differently now, putting my trust to Allah on every decision that I'd made, its easier to feel redha for whatever came across me.

I couldn't ask Allah for more.

While everybody tells me to pray for happiness and success and of course jodoh cepat, hana doa Allah jadikan Hana Dalila seorang yang kuat dan sabar, redha dalam jalan yang Allah pilih untuk dia, tak kira apa pun jalan tu, asalkan Hana Dalila jadi seorang yang layak memijak kaki ke syurgaNya. 

Because I realize that the only way to be happy and success is to please and be pleased with Allah.

But ofcourse, it is easier to say it, than do it.

Manusia lemah. Hana lemah.

Kadang kadang lupa hati ni bukan kuat sentiasa.

But i'm trying hard to be better, everyday.

Hari hari bertarung dengan nafsu dan emosi diri sendiri.

Hari hari kena tepuk tanya kabar, suruh bertahan.

Hari hari pesan jangan sedih, sebab ini yang terbaik.

Hari hari ingatkan diri saat diri jatuh tersungkur, siapa yang ada.

Siapa yang papah.

Dan apa yang buat diri masih bernyawa.

Just dont give up just yet, Hana Dalila. 

You'll be fine.

I promise you.

Once in a while, there'll be a day like today where suddenly i was forced by myself to remember things im trying to forget.

I hate myself. Seriously. 

Kenapa macam ni lagi.

I thought u're doing fine hana dalila.

Kalau lah lari tu semudah ejaan dia. 

Of Minibon, hot chocolate drink, endodontic handouts, and lagu jiwang leleh. 

Keperluan mulut, telinga, hidung dan mata dipenuhi. 

Perfect.

Now study.

P/s: it has been a while since i last step my foot in this place. Rindu

Will not ever become an Orthodontist !

I'm having my first Orthodontic quiz this morning and here i am , talking to the keyboard.
haih.
Something can be seem soo interesting on the outside but when you dig further inside, it is nothing more than babbling words and texts that you can hardly understand !
It is more interesting to think and reflect what happened in my life these few days rather than revising my photocopied notes, a.k.a TERMENUNG.
Mana entah janji nak belajar bersungguh sungguh sem ni. Baru masuk minggu keempat dah lembik.
hish.

Hana, mana COMEBACK kau tu haa.
lembik srupo tulo jah.
hahaha

oh gosh.
I miss my sweet lazy time in Malaysia.
Pray for me, stalker.

when you want something you can't have.

Every time I look at you,
I sigh quietly.
I wish you know how much i miss you.
I do, I really do.
I really want to talk to you.
To have you as before.
As a friend, atleast.
Tapi hati belum cukup kuat.
I'm afraid that I might fall for you again.
Not that the feeling ever go away anyway.

Every time i told myself,
Aku okay. Perasaan tu dah tak ada.
Whenever you appear in front of me I know its not true.
But I'll never expect you to feel the same.
I just don't know what to do with myself.

Alhamdulillah, atleast I'm not grieving hoping for you to come back like i used to.
I know the fact that you'll never come back, ever.
And I accepted that.
I will never stop you from moving on.
I just want you to be happy.
To be fine, and success dunia akhirat.

I wish I can be beside you through your ups and downs.
To cheers for your joy, to grieve for your tears.
But the spot aren't for me anymore kan?
I wish you know I'm here. Always.
In case if you ever need me.

The truth is, no matter how I told people and myself too that I want to be away from you
I know that is not what I really want.
Maybe that is what I need, not what I want.
Not having you by my side, I can cope with that
The thought of not being able to see you again, scares me..a lot.

Haha. Kelakar. Ego tinggi.
Konon rasa diri batu.
Padahal telur je.
Luar keras, dalam lembik.

because someone travels nearly the same journey I've traveled.

The day you left me, you left a trail of tears and hurt in my eyes.
You were the one who was supposed to be my strength, but you became my every weakness. 
Every time I think of you, every time I remember our memories, I feel like something's stuck in my throat. 
I can't breath. 
The clock stops ticking. 
My heart stops beating.
The blood in my body seems like it's clogging up in my arteries.
And at that point, I just don't know what to do.

But then I turn to the only person who knows exactly how I feel,
Allah, my creator, the person who sees every my deed and who sees my every pain.
And Even though he already knows, I put my hands together in Duwa and tell him how I feel.
I tell him what I want and constantly ask him for his mercy, his forgiveness.
He is the only one who can make this situation better.
He's the only one who can make me realize all the mistakes I've made.
If Allah doesn't forgive me, then no one will.
If Allah doesn't help me, no one will.

I know I have wronged.
I have made mistake after mistake.
But I thought it was okay, because you promised to marry me right?
But then you showed your real side, your real attitude and I realized that you aren't worth it.
Allah has created someone out there just for me.
Allah has created someone who will come and take my hand to lead me into Jaanah.
Allah has created someone who will complete half my deen.

So you know what, just go away.
Get out of my mind. Get on with you're life.
I don't need you. I never did.
Because when the time is right,
Someone will come into my life and he will be my gift from Al-Rahman Al-Raheem.


p/s: copy-pasted. deep.

Susah senang hidup seseorang tu,
dia dan Dia je yang tahu.
Kita tak payah la nak cakap aku lebih lagi dari orang.
Lebih susah, lebih sedih.
Lebih senang, lebih baik.
Sebab Allah tu Maha Adil.
Macam mana Allah bagi ujian dekat kita,
Macam tu jugak la Allah bagi ujian dekat hamba Dia yang lain.
Dan jangan lupa.
Ujian itu datang dalam dua bentuk.
Dugaan dan nikmat.

Rasa marah dekat diri sendiri bila rasa ter-reattached dengan benda dunia.

Dah berkali kali pesan jangan, jangan. 

Bila hilang, kan da gelisah. 

Ya Allah, let me not easily get attached to what that is not mine, for You are the ONLY ONE who knows whats the best for His servant.

Please help me to remind myself every time i forget.

Dunia ni sementara. Dunia ni ujian. 

Keluarga, kawan, cute stuff, duit, perasaan, semua ujian.

Jangan lupa hana. Jangan lupa

Penatnya berperasaan. 

Tapi kalau tak berperasaan, tak kan penat ke?

Dah la. Tu semua hasutan syaitan.

Tu semua hawa nafsu.

Bak kata kekly, jihad! 

Haha. Jum berjihad melawan perasaan sendiri.

Aku bukan jenis manusia yang senang didekati, or mendekati.


Betul, mungkin nampak peramah. Ketawa besar belakang hall. bising pokpekpokpek sentiasa. Tapi, aku pemalu sebenarnya. Bila ada geng, perkataan malu pun tetiba tak kenal. Bila sorang, sunyi sepi bak angin lalu. I'd always live in my comfort zone. Share stories and jokes with familiar faces. Aku selesa begitu. Sebab tu rasanya i am very attached to my friends and family. I am very dependent on them, but at the same time independent. Get it? Haha. keling sikit ayat.


I can be sooo independent when they're around. Tak payah buatkan semua benda untuk aku pun. Duduk 10meter jauh pun tak apa. perasaan tahu ada someone ada untuk sambut aku bila aku rebah tu yang aku perlu. Bila tak ada, aku lost. confident level merundum. rasa boleh rebah bila bila masa je. Jalan balik rumah pun boleh sesat. Biarlah dah sejuta kali lalu pun.



Mengenal diri, buat aku faham satu benda. Don't judge people. Kau tak tahu siapa dia yang sebenar. People choose what their want to show other people who they are. Their real personality, the real them, hanya orang tertentu je yang tahu. Yang istimewa.



Oleh itu aku belajar, pedulikan apa pandangan orang pada diri. Orang istimewa yang boleh nampak diri kau. Orang istimewa je yang faham. So pandangan mereka je yang layak dihadam. biar la padangan tu buruk or baik. Yang lain, boleh masuk dalam botol campak laut.

I don't know why i keep on pushing people away like that.

kesan buruk trend kawin awal untuk orang yang tak mampu/tak nak kawin awal.

1. balik rumah/kampung soalan lazim 'bila nak kawin?' 'dah ada calon ke?' 'jangan lambat2 nnt tak laku'.
padahal zaman kecik2 dlu, 21 tu orang cakap jangan meghenyam nok bnikoh lg aih. siap dapat duit raya lagi -.-'

2. makin lama makin banyak kad/jemputan kawan2 sampai rumah/facebook. hmmm. rasa tua

3. jalan jalan dengan anak sedara, orang tegur, 'anak ke?'..tetiba dapat gelaran 'akakk'. 'adik' manis, saya rasa awak lagi banyak garis garis halus dimuka. hmm hmmmm. rasa double tua


memang ramai muda muda dah kawin, ada anak. tapi kesian la kat kami yang bujang lagi ni oi. stress stresss. sensitip tahu soalan2 gitu.rasanya kalau boleh semua pun nak kawin awal, tapi rezeki jodoh tu kan di tangan Allah. lek lu abe kakok. kalau dah masanya, kawin la kami. kalau Allah da tetapkan kami membujang seumur hidup, tak kan sampai ke tua nak diajukan soalan soalan gitu? menikus lah hati kalau gitu..hikhik

the greatest gift.

I guess it is true that people always said, you'll find peace when you forgive, when you let go, when you leave the rest for Allah to settle.

Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.

Hidup dua tahun ni macam naik roller coaster.
Roller coaster of emotions.
Minggu ni macam klimaks, where everything suddenly bammm on my face, unexpected things happens.

But yeah. when you starts to understand what is real, what is not, and how to deal with it, InsyaAllah then pain wouldn't stay for long.

Untuk healing kena buang pus.
No healing can occur in the presence of pus.
And before a wound can completely heal, there's phase of inflammation.
Step by step, the wound start to heal, with or without scar.

i would like to have scar for this heartache. So that I will always be reminded of His mercy and guidance.
This scar that i call, beauty scar :)


SubhanaAllah. this feeling can not be expressed in words.
Allah tunjuk yang dunia ni tak selalunya kita kat bawah.
Thank you Allah for giving me this peace of mind.
Semoga aku tak akan pernah lupa nikmatnya merasa manisnya kasih sayang Pencipta lepas merasa pahitnya kasih manusia.
Doa kan yang terbaik, untuk semua urusan, untuk semua makhluk


tanah Saudi, wait for me :)

Jiwa pernah mati.
Mati dek manusia bernama lelaki.
Mati, tapi bumi masih berputar mengikut paksi.
Kaki masih kuat menyusun langkah.
Kerana Allah belum ingin aku mati.
Kerana Dia ingin aku lebih perkasa.
Lebih menghargai nilai diri.
Lebih tahu menilai erti cinta.
Dia ingin aku cinta pada Yang Mencinta.
Dia ingin aku cinta pada Yang Membalas.
Kerana Dia cinta aku.

Hujan lagi.

Ya Allah.

Aku tahu, kalau nak kira dugaan ya Allah bagi kat aku ni tak ada lah besar mana kalau nak banding dengan orang lain.
Tapi, Allah tengah nak tunjuk kat aku, how strong i can be.
Kadang rasa dah tak tertahan. Rasa sudah lah, aku dah tak boleh tanggung.
Sakit ni, amik la Ya Allah.
Sembuhkan lah.
Aku nak jauh dari sini.
Nak jauh dari manusia yang berlagak baik peduli dan sayang tapi hakikatnya hipokrit belaka.

Tapi teringat cerita ustaz sofi masa kelas tafakuh yang jarang jarang aku pegi tu.
Kisahnya, ada seorang hamba Allah minta disembuhkan penyakit sebab dah tak tertanggung rasa sakit. Tapi RasulAllah cakap, kalau kau minta Allah sembuhkan, dengan izinNya akan diperkenankan. Tapi ganjaran bagi orang yang sabar tu lebih besar.

Subhanallah. Sabar lah hati.
This betrayal, ada hikmahnya.
Allah nak tunjuk apa yang sebenarnya.
Allah nak uji tahap kebergantungan aku dekat Dia kot.
Allah nak buktikan, bila bergantung pada janji manusia, expectation kepada manusia, tak akan tak kecewa.
Sebab manusia tak sempurna.

Seorang kawan pesan, don't bother to give a space in your heart for someone who don't deserve the spot in your heart.

Dasyat Allah uji tahap kesabaran aku.
Tapi aku percaya hati aku lebih kuat.
If Allah put me to this, He'll get me through this. InsyaAllah


Semoga lepas ni aku lebih pandai menilai.
Semoga tidak mudah percaya dengan lagak innocent.

30 June, Egyptian Revolutions.

seriously dude? seriously.

Morsi doesn't represent your Islam?
What kind of 'your Islam' do you mean by that?
Liberal?
Look who's talking now. sigh.

You ask for justice. You ask for a developed country. you ask for peace.
Look, who organized so many series of demonstrations since Morsi became the new president?
Give him space to do his job. His REAL JOB, to manage the country.
kalau kerja nak menenangkan rakyat yang tak tahu erti kesabaran ni, macam mana nak focus on pembangunan?

Time and energy spent to manage the people's anger and impatient could be used to heal the country.
You can't expect him to change this country in a year.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Even Dr Mahathir took so many years to develop Malaysia to this level.

To change a country, the role of the leaders is important. But the people hold so much more responsibility for it success.

simple example, if you want a clean country, authority can make hundred of campaigns and put thousand of dustbins out there but you have to stop throwing empty Pepsi cans or Chipsy wraps on the streets. YOU, the people.

If you want a corruption-free country, you have to stop lying on streets for an extra five pound for a taxi ride.

Egyptian people, please change. Not the president bas, YOU!
AND BE PATIENT !
Demonstration won't solve the problem. Use the POWER OF PEOPLE WISELY. Use the power correctly. Use your energy to contribute to your country, not shouting on streets.
Give your support. Your Baba Morsi needs support.

p/s: i am soooo frustrated with Egyptian people's attitude.

The battle inside.

Betul,

Kadang kala aku harap kau masih disisi disaat genting sukar

Di waktu hati gundah gulana

Aku harap kau masih setia di situ menyapu air mata

Masih setia di situ dengan kata 'tak mengapa. Aku ada. '

Betul, aku harap begitu.

Tapi aku lebih yakin, faktanya bukan itu yang aku perlu.

Bukan tangan kau yang aku perlu untuk menyeka air mata.

Aku yang perlu henti.

Bukan kau yang aku perlu untuk kuat.

Aku yang aku perlu.

Tuhan yang aku perlu.

Sabar.Percaya.

Itu yang aku perlu.

on repeat dude. on repeat.

ni dah macam tahap obsess.
berebut lah korang izzue islam tu.
encikmimpi bagi hana. weee

tired mind.

Assalamualaikum to sesiapa yang boleh baca.
hihi

Hana menulis dalam keadaan mata bengkak sebelah, air hidung meleleh macam paip bocor.
Bila musim periksa, demam adalah benda paling tak best sekali.
Nak study pun tak boleh. eceh macam lah kalau tak demam study hard sangat kan.


It has been a very crazy semester this semester and the last one too. Taking 9 subjects in one semester is not easyyy I tell youu. Last semester when we started our preclinical subjects, we all went crazy. Some of my colleagues started to doubt their choice of being a dentist. For me, even though I enjoyed the sessions, but it was toughh and tiring I must sayy

This semester, I started my new semester at my new house in Azarita. I love my housemates now and miss my ex-housemates so much.Tapi most of the time Hana still use the word 'housemate' bila bercakap pasal diorang. Duduk hampir dua tahun sama sama.. still rasa macam housemate walaupun dah tak satu rumah :)

Classes, lagi gila dari semester lepas. Clinical dah. Dapat siapkan my first denture for my first edentulous patient. (weee~) Ini sumpah mencabar tahap apa. Memerlukan tahap kesabaran yang tinggi. For operative, I think everyone enjoy the clinics. It was wayy easier to do cavity preparation inside patient's mouth and less stressful.yang stressnye nak cari patient. Itu boleh bikin gua nangis woo. Other subjects, tak payah cakap lah. penat penat.

Dulu harapannya, tak apa. biar jadual pack sekarang nanti tak sangat dah. ala ala susah dulu senang kemuadian kononnya. tapi nampak gaya nya, semakin berat adalah. semester depan 11 subjects. hmm. seriously kena prepare mental dan fizikal.

Final exam 6th semester.(7 actually termasuk summer)
5 down. 4 to go.
arah tuju selepas itu belum diketahui.
doakan yang terbaik walau yang kemana pun hala tuju itu.

belajar selagi mampu. penat rehat.
mengantuk tidur. jangan seksa diri.
belajar untuk faham. bukan periksa semata.
dapat cemerlang, Alhamdulillah.
sekadar cukup makan, Alhamdulillah juga.

Rabbuna Yussahil.

Just so you know, i'm doing fine. Ada masa terhanyut lagi but i'm starting to learn to swim to the surface faster day by day.

Because day by day, i started to believe more and more that its not worth it to keep drowning because of someone who doesn't think that you worth something for them.

'Fresh start' for the 100th times?

Assalamualaikum.

So how should I begin this?

a. err.

Okay, straight to the main point.

the main point is, lately I've been reading my friends' blogs and others too..
Sooo.. hana tengok how positive their writings are, sangat memberi motivasi, dan inspirasi.
Jadi dengan ini, hana berazam untuk menghentikan penulisan meluahkan perasaan yang tidak bermanfaat dan menyeksakan jiwa dan beralih untuk menulis sesuatu yang lebih bermanfaat ataupun sekurang kurangnya, positif lah.
sebenarnya blog ni hanyalah tempat untuk meluahkan perasaan.hana sedar betapa buruknya tulisan hana so nak menulis dalam diari memang dah naahh la. lagi pun, sekarangkan zaman teknologi brader. Nak cakapnya disini, bila blog dijadikan tempat untuk meluahkan perasaan, kebanyakkannya adalah perasaan yang tak berapa seronok lah.
So maybe lepas ni, kena ubah objektif menulis blog kot. bukan setakat nak meluahkan perasaan, tapi lebih kepada perkongsian agar kita tak terlalu leka dibuai perasaan sendiri, dan mungkin lebih bermanfaat untuk orang lain?



p/s: blog masih private. few posts dah revert to draft. and the others, i'm planning to let them be. bukan nak membuka pekung di dada. tapi sebagai peringatan kepada diri, bahawa i used to be that person, so that i won't forget, seterusnya menjadi peringatan supaya tak jadi macam manusia yang sebegitu.

How long 'i love you,forever' lasts?

kehadapan mereka yang rasa hana tak cukup pandai, lembik, lemah, helpless, tak boleh manage my own feeling RATIONALLY, thank you for your opinion, but screw you.

Empat ratus sembilan puluh satu hari. Lama. Cukup lama. Trust me, as much as u want me to move on, as much as orang da penat tgk hana mcm ni, percayalah, i feel the same for myself too!

Like come on. Penat kot for those 491 days, hari hari menangis. Let me repeat, hari hari. Penat kot duk berperang dengan diri sendiri, dgn perasaan sendiri.

Sakit hati bila fikir diri kena tipu ke. Sakit hati bila fikir, how easy for him to just let go. Sakit, bila fikir maybe he never did love, when you gave your everything, everything. Sakit bila tahu cerita itu ini dari orang yg entah betul atau tak. But most of it, sakit when he never try to make things right. He never fight. Sakit bila rasa bagi dia, hana tak worth to fight for.

And sakit beribu kali sakit, bila you have to face that very person who break every piece of ur heart and your soul, almost everyday. That same person who used to make u feel like the happiest person on earth.
That person who changed you, inside out.
I really dont how other people can do it, but i can not.

Penat, sakit. Yes it is. Stupid? Ye jugak. tak salahkn org pun kalau org ckp hana bodoh. But hey. Ada benda bagusla jugak. I've proved to myself that i am a very loyal person. 491 days, and i have not replace him with anyone else yet, and didnt even tried to.

dulu pernah terfikir, hana nak orang yang setia. tapi.. hana ni boleh ke setia?
so dengan ini, hana telah berjaya mencari jawapan untuk soalan itu. yes, i can.
Am very proud of myself. Bukan semua orang boleh buat macam tu.
Tapi sedihnya, yang tak bestnye, i'm being loyal to someone yang.. disloyal to me. I love that person who doesnt love me back as much as i did. salah orang bro.

Allah punya plan is the best.ada sebab kenapa Allah tak tarik tarik rasa sayang hana dekat dia walau dah macam macam jadi. Sakit tu penghapus dosa. Kalau lah ini caranya Allah nak lindung hana dari maksiat, dari hubungan yang belum pasti hujung nya, lagi baik kan dari Allah sembuhkann hati, but later on hana lupa..terjatuh dalam circle yang sama. Fall in love. Sinned. Getting hurt once again. I dont know if i ever gonna love anybody the same way again. But if i do, i know that i'm gonna fall hard.

So its better to save them for someone who truly loves me, for me. Someone i call, husband may be?. Cliché kan? Haha. But yeah. Someone really wants you, will fight for you. I'll wait for that someone that will fight for me, and take me seriously. Someone who will go straight to my parents and tell them, let me take over your duty. Let me take care of hana till the end of my life. Someone who will stay, or even tries to get closer no matter how many time i push him away.

Dont get me wrong. Dia tak jahat. Dia tak pandai menipu.
He's beautiful. Dia tak pernah kasar. Walau dia marah, tak pernah kasar.

Dia ajar hana to behave more lady-like.to be soft..dalam percakapan, dalam tingkah laku till it feels weird to talk the way i used to. Dia tak pernah cakap buruk pasal orang. Jarang sangat dengar dia merungut.

He was kind. He still is. But not to me anymore. ye lah, i can not say that what he did to me was kind, can i? haha, tapi..
I can't blame him, and i won't.
It just when you love someone, you'll fight, you'll stay. In this case, i can't blame him for not spare his love for me.

Cumanya, the way he left, terlalu kasar. The weird thing is, he changed me first. He teach, he trained me to be soft, take away all my defensive mechanism away. then he left, just like that.

This feeling that i have now, is unexplainable. Tak kira gaya apa pun hana guna untuk cuba explain, orang tak faham. Hana tak expect people to understand because hana sendiri tak faham. It is ridiculous to still love,still trying to hate or atleast dislike him after all this while. It is ridiculous to still remember every little things about him.

things he do when he's nervous.
the sound he make when he walks.
the way he walks itself.
the smell of his shirt.
the weird habits he has.
and the way he used to look at me.

Dah nak dua tahun come on laa yoo. He obviously told me that he'd moved on, and i can now see its true. He doesn't look at me the way he used to anymore. That eyes are for someone else now. tak perlu orang bagitahu. I know him. I can read his body language very well.

Someone told me , and i used to tell myself, and him too..
If someone really love, they'll wait, they'll do everything they could to keep the love.
I would never want someone who just can wait for me for months, or even for a year.
I believe that marriage is for life.
If someone couldnt stay loves you after couples of months, stay loyal to you, what makes you think that they can be loyal to you through out the marriage?


How long 'i love you, forever' will last?


Now i think forever is over for him.
Then i guess, i should close the door, move on and never look back again.

"Sometimes the things you want the most don't happen and what you least expect happens. I don't know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person and your life is changed forever."

-Love and Other Drugs- 

for him, i wish he find that one person. That person that will make he do everything that I wish he did for me, without even having her to ask him to do it.


and for me.
semoga cepat sembuh , hana. :)

its okay hana. U had warned yourself pun dah kan. There will be days like today. Hari yang kau aan rebah, terduduk menangis. Jangan risau, sakit ni, sikit je kalau nak banding dengan seksa akhirat nanti. Mungkin Allah nak ampunkan dosa lalu. Allah bagi sakit sekarang, so that you won't suffer much later. Sabarlah.

Dua tahun setengah lagi. And you'll be away. As far as you can, as far as you want. Sabar hana. Tunggu for that moment. Jangan terus rebah. How fast the last year passed, these two years will pass in a blink too.

I think when it's all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It's not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don't know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.

aku rindu kau yang dulu.
kau yang ceria. yang gembira. yang positif.
yang berani. yang mulut tak berhenti bercakap, otak penuh dengan idea merapu.
kau yang mampu membuat orang lain ketawa, dan bahagia melihat tawa itu.
kau yang sangat tabah, dan kuat seolah tidak akan rebah walau dilanda ribut taufan.
kau yang cepat pulih dari kesedihan kemarahan dan kekecewaan.

ke mana kau hilang?
taufan mana yang hanyutkan kau?
guruh apa yang buat kau lari menyepi diri?
sumpah aku rindu.
aku rindu aku yang dulu.

Hello people.

oh no. i should say, hi sarah just because only sarah can read this nonsense, emotional, and frustrating blog of mine. Haha

Hidup ni dipenuhi dengan dengan charge2 negative and positive. and orang cakap, kalau kita berada di persekitaran yang positive, charge2 positive tu akan tertarik juga dekat kita. and vice versa.

and my blog is full of negative charges. - - - huwaaa - i can see - -   them - floating in the - - - air  right noww- - -. #kbai

saya tidak menggalakkan orang lain baca blog ni sebab, you know when we read something, it might change our mood. tak tahu lah terjadi dekat orang lain atau tidak. tapi aku, kalau baca benda emo, nanti aku jadi emo. bukan sebab terlalu mendalami apa yang orng tu tulis, tapi sebab geram kenapa orang nak emo sangat. faham tak?

Like this life is beautiful. Why can't people see good in every thing that happened to them? Trouble come and go. Normal lah. Orang bercinta putus cinta, normal. There's must be something learn. Ambil yang jernih, tinggal yang keruh. And life is too beautiful because when one person leaves you, the others stayed. If we have problems pun, chill la. Mana ada masalah yang tak boleh selesai. Its not like you are alone in this life pun. Lagipun, yang patah tumbuh. yang hilang berganti. Macam phone rosak, sedih en? tapi nanti dapat phone baru. BARU, and lebih canggih. haa untung apa.


wahh. look how positive I am back then.


but things changed i guess. i've change, thats for sure.

bukan tak pernah cuba berbaik sangka.
bukan tak nak tanamkan pemikiran positif dalam diri.
bukan tak yakin dengan kuasa Allah.
yakin, sangat yakin.

tapi tak sanggup nak letak harapan untuk apa apa pun.
mungkin sebab terlalu kenal diri.
sekali letak harapan, bukan sikit. tak akan pernah sedikit.
kalau tersungkur, tak mudah nak bangun.