Wahai Anak.

Evalina Humeera,

Jika satu hari nanti kau tanya kenapa,

Aku akan jawab, sebab diri kita lebih berharga. 

Kerana aku meletakkan nilai tinggi pada diri aku,

Tak rela dipijak jejak. 

Seperti tiada harga. 

Jangan sekali takut untuk sendiri. 

Kerana Tuhan sentiasa ada menemani  

To be honest, I am so scared of getting pregnant for now.


Seeing two of my closest buddy, Sarah and Intan got pregnant so quickly after they got married, and now Intan is raising a beautiful baby girl, battling with late night cries, lack of sleep and the very energy-draining breastfeeding and Sarah too (like whatttt. But she seems to be happy) kinds of creep me out.


Yes I'm scared.


I used not to be afraid of the future. Means, I believe in you will always be ready when the time comes. But.. I don't know.


Being pregnant,


1. Can I handle the mood swing? I can barely hold myself and my emotion together even now. Pregnant, bodyaches here and there, hormones. Can I do it? I really want to be like one of those lucky women who get to experience The Happy-Pregnancy. Please hormones do me the favor, please promise me one thing. Don't make me a cry baby during my pregnancy nanti okay. Please la happy hormone je banyak banyak even dalam situasi yang mencabar minda. And I pray so much that Ehsan would be extra patience, extremely patience when the time comes. Kalau dia buat muka garang dia, aihh nangis tak berhenti agaknya.


2. Body transformation. More than 10 mommies warned me that my body will change forever after you deliver a child. And I saw few who undergoes depression and difficulties in accepting that. I used to wonder, yes ofcourse you will be thick, but u can slim down back if you exercise well and such, no? But after I've seen 'the changes' on my own sister post delivery.. I finally understands that, it just not how big or thin you can be.The texture of your skin, the complexion, the scars. You can still look the same to others. But when you're at home, on your own..thats when you have to gather the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you're still beautiful. Can i do that?


Mommies out there, what a big sacrifice to be willing to let your beautiful, smooth, and toned body change to raise a baby. Patut la darjat ibu tu tinggi. 💕💕💕


3. The cravings, the pains. Delivery pain! Omg.


4. Kau mengandung kau kena beranak. Dah beranak kau kena besar kan dia. This is the scariest part!! Can I be the right and good example for my child? Can we both be good parents? What if we raise them wrongly?,What if my children repeats the same mistakes like I did? How to teach my children to love our Deen and follow the right path, while we as parents are still struggling with even the bare minimum?


5. Financially, the bills. The expesenses..having kids nowadays are so expensive. Hantar pengasuh pun dah 450 minimum monthly. Pampers susu carseat breastpump bottles utensils stroller. Once dah masuk sekolah...lagi macam macam. Semoga Allah murahkan rezeki kami


6. And raising children, bukan cukup dengan bagi makan pakai boleh hidup ja. We need to support them physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually.


These are my worries. But in my heart I also believes whatever Allah put you to, you'll get through it. So I'm far ready to be one, but will never be 100 ready. Just for now, preparing whatever I can for my babies best interest, starting from be a better person myself. Aside from the financial thing ah. I'm focusing on self care and development, struggling to pray 5 times a day (really pushh my self to this). Its like, if you can't even do that, how can u do bigger things right? And lagi malu dekat Tuhan sebenarnya, nak macam macam tapi Dia suruh solat pun susah lagi nak buat. Cryy 😭


Okay lah. I just pray for the best. Allah bagi pada masa yang tepat. Not worried so much as I always believe in that. Also Im praying so hard that me and Ehsan can be the best parents to our children in the future because that is what any child deserve.

Is being happy is all it?

If you want to be happy, expect less than other people. You do things to make yourself happy, don't ever expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Not your family, not your friends, not even your partner is responsible to make you happy. Your happiness is your responsibility alone. Only a happy person can make other people happy. So if you're not happy, how can other people be happy to be around you? If other people is not happy and comfortable to be around you, how can you be happy and feel loved?

It's a circle. That's why it is so important to surround yourself with positive people. People who let out good vibes even at times when they feel low. People who acknowledge whatever emotion that they're feeling and other's as well. But it is more important for YOU to train your mind to be positive. Yes, our mind needs training. And yes, be that positive person who give out the good vibes.

I've came a long way of the journey to keep my peace through my turbulent life. Some days I manage to keep my calm, some days I lose it. Thus, it is important as well to acknowledge that your goal in this life is not to be happy, alone. I mean, yeah who doesn't want the ultimate happiness kan? But we won't get it here, in this dunya. Will never get the absolute happiness because helloo. Ini dunia bukan syurga.

I always remind myself the ultimate purpose of us being in this earth to please Allah, by doing what He asks us to do, and be away from what he restraints. Whatever that had happened, happening and going to happen in the future, they are just pieces of events (tests) that we're collecting the results of our deed and actions to be judge at our final destination later on.

So if being happy is not our goal in this earth, what is it then? For me.. I've come to the point where I've decided that to make amend with the mindset 'I'm on the right track if I feel happy. And if I'm not happy, I'm screwed'. I just want to be content, tenang, to accept everything that happening is just a phase that will pass, to find happiness in little things, and being okay with a not okay situation. I am somewhere along the journey. As I said, hari I was doing amazing, ada hari not so good. And I'm okay with that! So proud of myself.

Okay this is long enough. Should continue 'feeling jadi housewife' mood. Lipat baju, kemas bilik and soo excited for my husband to come homee soon. Going back to Penang tomorrow for CNY holiday break 💕💕

A year since he finally, openly, clearly proposed.

It started with 'hey I'm coming over to see you', to which I keep cancelling due to my busy life but never really thought he would've mind anyway.

After weeks of delays, years of that 'marry me' jokes, or at least I thought he was joking all along. I guess tired of me not taking his marry me seriously, he finally confessed how he felt about me all these years.

Ignored , and declined at first, the ring involve immediately after I decided to be open for discussion.
The rest was history.

At that time, being comfortable and feel at ease with someone scores a higher point than being in love.

A bumpy ride, so far. But with you, a thousand times over.
I love you my grumpy lion 🦁

May Allah ease our journey. ❤️

Happy birthday Muhammad Salahuddin Wafiy!

Cikwi prays that you will always bring colours to the people around you. I hope one day when you're big enough to understand, you'll know that world can be a very challenging place to live in, but also can be a wonderful one when you have amazing people around you to make your life worth living for.

Jadi anak soleh ya?  I love you, sincerely ❤️

When you try your best, but your best is not enough.
Hati sendiri sakit tak apa asal tak menyakitkan hati orang.
Simpan.
Pendam.
Nangis sendiri. 

That's what you thought.

You think that you can atleast make one person happy with your existence in this world.  Tapi rupanya, no matter what you do Hana..
You still the cause for pain for the person you love.

Maybe he will be better, happier without you.

I have a lot of things to be done. The house chores. Work. And other things. They keep playing on my mind that i couldn't decide where to start.

Sometimes i just try to calmly list down things and try to arrange. Sometimes i just feel tired. Tired of having to ask for help, or to remind others to do their work so that i can do my work. Same goes to other things.

These burdens are not mine alone, you know. Kadang kadang nak juga orang buat without having me to ask their help. Nak juga orang lain pun ada sense of responsibility tu sama sama. Bukan benci nak buat kerja ke apa. Memang kena buat, as you grow, suka tak suka kena juga deal with all the shits that we all hate.

Semua pun kalau boleh nak jadi carefree, have nothing to worry about, if kita tak buat ada orang lain akan tolong buat. Jarang sangat dapat merasa. I'm just tired of feeling bad to do things that i want because takut akan menyusahkan orang lain. Padahal tanggungjawab tu tanggungjawab bersama.

These days I'm trying to be more lenient to myself, go out whenever i want to, not to think about others too much. But i couldn't help to feel guilty for it. And i feel sad (yes sad, frustrated.not angry) when others starts to question, asyik keluar je.

How about the days I've stayed in? How about the things I did before I went out, to make sure i don't leave my shit for other people to settle, or just because i want to make things easier for them.

Today marks the end of the first half of 2018.
I must say it has been the most challenging, difficult and full of emotions 6 months in my life. So far.

I've lost, I've gained.
It was the transition period in many aspect.
Bare with me, its going to be a long post so you just might want to scroll directly to the next picture on your feed 😅


As I am now in Dental Promotional Team, which means very minimal clinical works for me to do at the clinic. So even doing a simple treatment as scaling and extraction brings me the excitement.

But looking at the bright sight, I took it as a challenge to step out of my comfort zone.
I gained more confidence to have audience to my talks, took up little bit more responsibilities in the clinic than last year. I still have a lot more to learn, still trying to cope up. I've enrolled myself into courses to develop my clinical skills and they worth every penny that I spent on it. True when they say, invest your money on knowledge. They worth more than gold.


I was at my worst time of my life throughout this period, before Allah sent me such a beautiful reminder that..

"For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease."
- Al-Inshirah

I'm thankful to God that he keeps reminding me of His mercy, that I have not lose myself this time around. I hold into my stand firmly, I valued myself more than anything else. I finally found me back. The one that I've lost, long time ago. I managed to put myself first. And being seketul Hana, that is the most difficult part to do. To act, without thinking about what would others think or feel 😅.

I'm forever grateful to have very supportive and positive people around me, family and friends who listens, supporting me with no judgement and helped me.


And after all the challenges we've faced together, family and friends, makes our bond closer, turn us into a stronger person.

Finally, it is always easier to be said than done. But of the things we want the most, of the things we think the best for us, Allah knows better.
Knowing that make it easier to feel redha whenever our plans are not tally with Allah's.
.
.
All the best for all of us. May we find the strength to face our battles and challenges in the remaining months of 2018. ❤️

This is the promise that I make to myself.
I'm going to live my life, happy.
Happiest.
Unstoppable.
Strongest.

25 May 2018

I've been thinking,
How lucky I am.
That Allah keep on showering me
with His guidance and blessings.



12 June 2018