I have a lot of things to be done. The house chores. Work. And other things. They keep playing on my mind that i couldn't decide where to start.

Sometimes i just try to calmly list down things and try to arrange. Sometimes i just feel tired. Tired of having to ask for help, or to remind others to do their work so that i can do my work. Same goes to other things.

These burdens are not mine alone, you know. Kadang kadang nak juga orang buat without having me to ask their help. Nak juga orang lain pun ada sense of responsibility tu sama sama. Bukan benci nak buat kerja ke apa. Memang kena buat, as you grow, suka tak suka kena juga deal with all the shits that we all hate.

Semua pun kalau boleh nak jadi carefree, have nothing to worry about, if kita tak buat ada orang lain akan tolong buat. Jarang sangat dapat merasa. I'm just tired of feeling bad to do things that i want because takut akan menyusahkan orang lain. Padahal tanggungjawab tu tanggungjawab bersama.

These days I'm trying to be more lenient to myself, go out whenever i want to, not to think about others too much. But i couldn't help to feel guilty for it. And i feel sad (yes sad, frustrated.not angry) when others starts to question, asyik keluar je.

How about the days I've stayed in? How about the things I did before I went out, to make sure i don't leave my shit for other people to settle, or just because i want to make things easier for them.

Today marks the end of the first half of 2018.
I must say it has been the most challenging, difficult and full of emotions 6 months in my life. So far.

I've lost, I've gained.
It was the transition period in many aspect.
Bare with me, its going to be a long post so you just might want to scroll directly to the next picture on your feed 😅


As I am now in Dental Promotional Team, which means very minimal clinical works for me to do at the clinic. So even doing a simple treatment as scaling and extraction brings me the excitement.

But looking at the bright sight, I took it as a challenge to step out of my comfort zone.
I gained more confidence to have audience to my talks, took up little bit more responsibilities in the clinic than last year. I still have a lot more to learn, still trying to cope up. I've enrolled myself into courses to develop my clinical skills and they worth every penny that I spent on it. True when they say, invest your money on knowledge. They worth more than gold.


I was at my worst time of my life throughout this period, before Allah sent me such a beautiful reminder that..

"For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease."
- Al-Inshirah

I'm thankful to God that he keeps reminding me of His mercy, that I have not lose myself this time around. I hold into my stand firmly, I valued myself more than anything else. I finally found me back. The one that I've lost, long time ago. I managed to put myself first. And being seketul Hana, that is the most difficult part to do. To act, without thinking about what would others think or feel 😅.

I'm forever grateful to have very supportive and positive people around me, family and friends who listens, supporting me with no judgement and helped me.


And after all the challenges we've faced together, family and friends, makes our bond closer, turn us into a stronger person.

Finally, it is always easier to be said than done. But of the things we want the most, of the things we think the best for us, Allah knows better.
Knowing that make it easier to feel redha whenever our plans are not tally with Allah's.
.
.
All the best for all of us. May we find the strength to face our battles and challenges in the remaining months of 2018. ❤️

This is the promise that I make to myself.
I'm going to live my life, happy.
Happiest.
Unstoppable.
Strongest.

25 May 2018

I've been thinking,
How lucky I am.
That Allah keep on showering me
with His guidance and blessings.



12 June 2018

It took me quite sometime to digest this.
When Allah tests you, 
and you just couldn't understand why, 
tapi Allah hadirkan rasa keliru but at the same time keyakinan dalam diri, 
yang keputusan aku selama ni tak pernah silap.

When I choose to walk away from someone
whom berkali kali Allah tunjuk, 
tak layak untuk seketul jiwa ini, 
Allah reward me with a greater gift.

Him, who I count as blessing from God.
Dulu dia lah penyembuh. 
Dia lah kawan. 
Dia lah telinga. 
Berkali tidak jawapan aku, tetap dia ada.
Kali ini Allah buka pintu hati aku, untuk nampak. 
Dia lah yang dicari selama ini. 
Depan mata, dari dulu.

Tak pernah sangka, tak pernah terfikir.
Seolah-olah dalam satu detik,
Allah ubah rasa hati.
Apa lagi nak ucap selain, 
Alhamdulillah 💕

I don't want to be April.
I don't want to be Emma.

They waited for years.
They have wasted so many years.
I don't want to be regretful.
Goshhh

Kenapa rasa ditinggalkan tanpa ada sesiapa yang meninggalkan?
Hilang, kali ini memang terus hilang.


Only good things for you.
Good things for me.
Doa aku, dari dulu.

Arghhhh.
I hardly sleep last night.
Terjaga awal pun tak boleh tidur balik.
Can't stop thinking about yesterday.
Resah + happy + relieved?
Bukan happy sebab benda yang buruk jadi.
Or happy sebab orang lain susah/in difficult situation. Tak, tak.
But somehow I'm happy for being able to feel again.
After my last disastrous break up,
and with the situation in my current relationship,
I thought I couldn't feel anything ever again.
Macam rasa mati.
Fight for the relationship to work,
but I've got no reason behind it.
Like, I always do something that I believes in.
But I simply could not find anything no matter how hard I tried.
Yes, I've tried. Very hard.


And I'm happy that now I know what I want,
and what I should do.
How.. itu tak tahu lagi.
Susah? Memang susah.
Lagi lagi kalau melibatkan hati orang yang kita sayang,
and sayang kita.
Tapi sayang dan cinta tu lain kan?
Even if I don't get to be together with cinta,
atleast I know that I don't want to be in relationship half-heartedly.

Pray for me!

Memang bagus perangai.
Buat masalah.
Pastu blah.

You came into my life.
Became a big part of my life.
We messed up, as young humans.
We went separate ways.
But keep coming back to one another again, and again.

This relationship, that I once thought was really childish.
The one I thought afterall it will be just a wonderful memories.
Like,ooh its fun to look back and laugh at it.
But it turns out to be the one that makes me cry all my heart out by just thinking about it.

Shit.
I hate this kind of feeling.
I was doing just fine.
I was taking care of my dramatic life on my own
and i was just accepting life without you just finee.
I was fine when we went separate ways 8 years ago.
I was fine too 3 years ago when you said
 ' so kita.. kira habis. minta maaf...'
I still remember how it feel when even my voice stuck in my throat when I said
 'It's okay.. it was maybe just a moment and a chance for us to end us nicely. i understand'.
That was it. It was the end.


I hate you for keep coming back saying I'm the most important person in your life,
do nothing about it and then just get away with it.
Don't you know you have to be responsible for every word and action you take.

Ingat aku apa. Besi? Kayu? Plastic?
Bodoh. Bangang. Semua yang start huruf b, untuk kau.
I never hate you. Now, I do.
I hate that you lied to me.
I thought you can never lie to me,
and finally you did for the first time.
and it was the biggest lie ever.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate that you make stupid decisions and mistakes again and again.
I hate you for being coward.
Coward.
I hate that you couldn't even have a stand for yourself,
and now you involve me too.
I hate that you can't make up your mind, and messing with mine too.
I hate that I suddenly question about my current life when I thought its fine to just go with it and true happiness will come along later.
I hate that even then, I still have that tiny hope that you will finally choose me over anything else.
I hate that, me 'miss know it all' knows nothing now.



Babi back at you.